The Merriam Webster dictionary defines invisible as: incapable by nature of being seen; inaccessible to view; hidden; imperceptible (impossible to perceive) or inconspicuous (not clearly visible or attracting attention, not conspicuous). Isn’t it sad for a child to feel this way growing up and then blossom into invisibility. Millions of people walk around every day feeling unnoticed and that their very existence does not matter. Maybe this inner wound is a result of things we heard as a kid: “children are to be seen not heard” which from a child’s perspective means be unnoticed and what I have to say is not important; “get out my face” which means go somewhere and become hidden from view; or “go sit down and be quiet” which means conceal your body movements in such a way as to not make a sound or it could be something deeper as it was for me.
As I have been in a season of self–discovery and self-development, God took me to the delivery room to witness the birth of my invisibility. I was about 7 years old and my father’s side of the family was at our apartment looking at home movies and picture slides (something they did often at family gatherings). I would always notice how during these times that there were not any pictures of me. I distinctly remember standing by my Aunt Sally watching each picture pass by hoping this time a picture of me would appear on the big screen, but I don’t remember seeing any (or maybe it was one??). I asked my aunt “why are there no pictures of me??” I remember her asking the room full of family and friends but no one had an answer. They went right back to laughing and looking at the picture slides. I remember that moment so well when I felt a feeling of sinking inside, becoming withdrawn, disappearing right before my very eyes and I couldn’t control it. I went into my room and as I laid there crying I can remember the lies from the enemy shooting in my ears like gun fire. The enemy began to tell me “I was not loved”, “nobody cared enough about me to take my picture“, “I wasn’t worthy”, “I had nothing to offer and look they don’t even notice that you have left the room”. That day those lies became the fabric of who I am and the downfall of who I want to be. They were always on my auto playlist and shaped every decision I made. I went through the rest of my life never telling a soul of the inner torture I was going through. Those lies became the permanent baggage that I would carry around into my adult life.
Just recently (about a year ago), I finally shared this emotional wound with my mother. She informed me, as best she could recall, when my parents separated and divorced I was a baby so there was a long period of time that my father’s side of the family didn’t see me and that was probably why there were no pictures of me? All those years I bathed in the lies of the enemy. Those lies affected my health, sent me into depression where I no longer wanted to be here and had me prepare my departure from this world. Those lies robbed me of living life to the fullest. As the word of God tells us, the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy no matter what age we are. But for the Grace of God go I, The Lord snatched me from my despair and put me on a path of healing.
While on this path, a movie I had watched over a decade ago dropped into my spirit. It was called The Lake House where a couple falls in love via letters but they live 2 years apart (one lives in the present and the other in the past). They began to manipulate time so that one day they would finally meet each other and spend the rest of their lives together. I thought how awesome of a healing therapy that would be if I could write to my younger self and reveal the truths of the moments that left me/her emotionally wounded and scared. God reveled to me that because I felt invisible all my life I have always attracted people and experiences in my life that confirmed this false belief. That I have been living my life wanting approval and permission to be me; to do something great to get my picture up on the screen with the rest of my family but because of fear of rejection I simply always fade into the background where invisible people feel most comfortable. I’ve been waiting my whole life, just like so many others, for someone to look me in my eyes and say “I see you!” but first I had to see myself! So, my healing became my mission and I began writing letters to my younger self to be healed of those negative experiences that had me trapped and held in bondage preventing me from stepping out of darkness into the marvelous light. Believing, that just like in the movie, these letters would change the trajectory of my life and in this present moment I would meet the real me, fall in love and live happily, ever after. This day I would become VISIBLE to the one that really matters…ME!!
Dear Little Tiffany,
I know you feel unloved and invisible, but I SEE YOU!! (I wish I could look into your eyes which is the gateway to your soul and say this. For if I could, I know I would be able to give your self-esteem a jolt that would change the trajectory of our life and this present moment would look a whole lot different). I know you have always felt alone in life, but God has never left you or forsaken you and HE never will no matter what it feels like or looks like. You have made it to be 48 years old and are the mother of a beautiful 15-year-old daughter and you are safe. You and your family have recently moved to North Carolina (yes, even Momma can you believe she left Detroit after 70+ years). Even though things are not always the way you would like God has always been there for you and always will be. I know how you use to be afraid of the darkness but now it gives you peace because this is where you feel God’s presence. I want you to know that a lot of people have and will speak negative things into your life but I want you to know that you are more than enough. You are smart, kindhearted, loving, loyal and committed to fulfilling your mission for The Kingdom of God. You have many talents but your passion is caring for others and wholistic healing. Every job you have had you have been an exceptional employee. Despite what you feel right now you are valuable, you deserve to have wealth, health, prosperity and to live in abundance...It is your Birthright! The world will chew you up, spit you out and tell you otherwise but don’t fall for the illusion. The world is simply a matrix of lies and falsehoods, it is a system that keeps us blinded to the truth of who we really are and the power we possess. So, as you go through life, don’t give anyone permission to speak negativity into your life, not even your family. You are a Spiritual Being having a Human Experience. God is a part of you. Always give HIM an invitation to rest, rule and abide in your heart. Tiffany you are a beautiful person inside and out. Don’t doubt yourself and what you are capable of doing. Don’t over think every choice and decision you have to make but move by the unction of The Holy Spirit! Trust your gut and intuition, it is a tool God blessed us with to help lead us in the right direction during life’s journey.
As you get older, know that you deserve to have a husband (a spiritual partner who is committed to helping you be the best version of yourself) that loves you unconditionally someone who will treat you like a queen and is able to take care of you. Life will go so much smoother if you live a life of purity for your future husband. Mom will teach you to be too independent and self-sufficient but throw all that out the window when it’s time to get married. It’s okay to be independent to a certain point but it’s not okay to run your race in the man’s lane and take control. You have to let your husband take his natural and ordained position in the marriage as the head of the household. Don’t settle for nothing less!
It’s important to develop healthy eating habits that lead to a healthy lifestyle. If you don’t you will struggle with weight issues for most of your adult life. Listen and follow grandma Price’s advice, she will show you how to live to be 101 years old. Our bodies are temples of The Holy Spirit and should be respected as such. God does not want us to return our bodies back to HIM raggedy and broke down. I share this wisdom with you to eat now according to how you want your health to be for your adult life. I know the junk food is tempting and taste good but eat healthy now to prevent illness and dis-ease later. I want us to live in optimal health.
Lastly, when you get to college (Go Blue!!!) don’t let the fear of not having what it takes or finances keep you from pursuing your Master’s and PH.D.
I want you to know I LOVE YOU!!!! Please forgive me for the times I abandon you, wouldn’t speak up for you and protect you when you were mistreated. I am here for you now and forever more!
Good night for now, talk to you tomorrow!
Your Older self